Conflict Resolution Course Notes
Circulated by Mary Ziesak

1. Levels of Conflict and Introduction to the Conflict Resolution Network
2. WIN/ WIN Approach
3. Creative Response
4. Empathy
5. Appropriate Assertiveness
6. Managing Emotions
7. Willingness to Resolve
8. Mapping the Conflict
9. Development of Options
10. Introduction to Negotiation
11. Introduction to Mediation
12. Broadening Perspectives

Levels of Conflict and Introduction to the Conflict Resolution Network

Introduction the Conflict Resolution Network

The resolution of world conflicts does not lie only with governments. Everybody can support International peace endeavors. Peace is our ultimate aim and we have to work for peace and understanding within WILPF as well as in our dedicated volunteer work outside our organisation.  The Conflict Resolution Network is a peace program with daily relevance

Conflict comes about from differences – in needs, values and motivations. Sometimes through these differences we complement each other, but sometimes we will conflict. Conflict is not a problem in itself – it is what we do with it that counts.

It is important that we do something because whether we like it or not, conflicts demand our energy, in fact an unresolved conflict can call on tremendous amounts of our attention. We know how exhausting an unresolved conflict can be. It is not always easy to fix the problem but a great boost can come when we do. Resolving conflict requires skills. These skills are tool for building friendship and intimacy and a whole new level of trust develops as people learn “we can work it out”. Relationships become more fulfilling and supporting.

This highly regarded course puts together a toolkit of 12 skills – you can reach in and take out what fits for any occasion. They are: Win/Win Approach, the Creative Response, Empathy, Appropriate Assertiveness, Co-operative Power, Managing Emotions, Willingness to Resolve, Mapping the Conflict, Development of Options, Negotiation Skills, Third Party Mediation and Broadening Perspectives.

Conflict Resolution Skills teach the psychology of effective communication.

This comprehensive course I will try to encapsulate into 12 lessons over a four month period.  At present I have no way of translating into Spanish – my apologies.

If you wish to ask questions or want more in depth information please Email me. I will endeavour to answer you and if necessary refer to my guru Dr Stella Cornelius.

I wish to acknowledge the work of the Conflict Resolution Network from which I am learning.

Levels of Conflict/Conflict clues
( this text belongs to the incompletely scanned diagram attachment)

Discomfort: Do you feel uncomfortable about a situation, but not quite sure why?

Incident: Has something occurred between you and someone else that has hurt your feelings, left you irritated or left you with something that won’t suit you?

Misunderstanding: Do you find yourself worrying a lot about a problem you have with another person?

Tension: has the way you feel about and regard for the other person significantly changed for the worse?

Crisis: Are you dealing with a major event like a major rupture in a relationship, possibly leaving a job/organisation, violence?

top

WIN/ WIN Approach

We all know conflict can be destructive!

The WIN/WIN approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defence, to co-operation. It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication.
One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader may be that person; therefore the first person you have to convince is yourself...
Until we give it attention we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations – based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us – a feeling of “you or me” a sense that there isn’t enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven’t even taken a moment to consider what the best approach is in the circumstances.

While people battle over opposing solutions “Do it my way!” “No that’s no good! Do it my way!” the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

I want to win and I want you to win too.

Go back to needs

The most important win/win manoeuvre you can make is to change the course by beginning to discuss underlying needs, rather than looking at solutions. The following story makes the point well.

There are two people in the kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of them want it. What would you expect as the solution? Compromise is one option. They might cut it in half and each gets half.

Let’s assume that’s what they do. One person now goes to the juicer and starts squeezing herself a rather too small orange juice. The other, with some difficulty, begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavour a cake.

Had they discussed their needs they would have discovered their needs were complementary and in fact not conflicting and the outcome would have been a win/win for both.

Addressing each person’s underlying needs means you build solutions that acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even when solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, the person feels quite differently about the outcome.

To probe below the surface requires redirecting the energy. Ask questions like “Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?” “What’s your real need here?” “What interests need to be served in this situation?”?” What values are important to you here?”. “What’s the outcome or result you want?”

The answers to these questions significantly alter the agenda on the discussion. It places the right materials for co-operative problem -solving. It leads to opportunities for you to say what you need and for the other person to say what they need too.

WIN/WIN

A win/win approach rests on strategies involving:

• Going back to underlying needs
• Recognition of individual differences
• Openness to adapting one’s position in the light of shared information and attitudes
• Attacking the problem, not the people

The WIN/WIN approach is certainly ethical, but the reason for its great success in that IT WORKS. Where both people win, both are tied to the solution. They feel committed to the plan because it actually suits them.

Even when the trust between the parties is very limited, the win/win approach can be effective. If there is some doubt about the other person keeping their end of the bargain you can make the agreement reciprocal. “I’ll do X for you, if you do Y for me.” X supports their needs. Y supports yours. “I’ll drive you to the party, if you clean the car.”

It is a successful strategy. Usually co-operation can result in both people getting more of what they want. The WIN/WIN approach is Conflict Resolution for mutual gain.

top

Creative Response

Problems and challenges

The creative response to conflict is about turning problems into possibilities. It is consciously choosing to see what can be done, rather than staying with how terrible it all is. It is about affirming that you will choose to extract the best from the situation.

Our attitudes colour our thoughts. Usually we are quite unaware of how they shape the way we see the world. Two dramatically contrasting attitudes in life are “Perfection” and “Discovery”. As an example we will call these attitudes “hats”. So, what hat do you get dressed in each day? Do you see difficulties as problems or challenges?

The Perfection hat says: “Is this good enough or not?” (Usually not) “Does this meet my impeccably high standards?”

The discovery hat says: “How fascinating! What are the possibilities here?”

What is our mind thinking under the Perfection hat?

Perhaps – right or wrong?  – Do I measure up? – Life is a struggle – Mistakes are unacceptable – Judgement – unbendable beliefs about what’s proper. – Failure!! – Life is hard work. – I have to be right. – Blame – Don’t take any chances - .

= Low self esteem.

The Search for perfection sets up “Winners and Losers!”

We probably all have a discovery hat on the shelf in the wardrobe of possibilities.
It might have hardly been used since we were children when everything was a great experiment and each fall was as interesting as the next step.

We can get out that hat again and dust it off. What’s tucked away underneath our discovery hat?

Exploration – Enthusiasm – Let’s take a risk – What are the possibilities – Everything’s a success – Acceptance – Play – Inquiry – Experiment – How else can we look at this?

= High self-esteem!

The process of Discovery invites “Winners and Learners”.

If there are no failures, only learning, self esteem gets a big boost upwards. You can put on your discovery hat and problems look like intriguing crossword puzzles. For example: “How fascinating, the photostat machine has broken down again!” or  “What are we freed up to do now that $7 million order has just been cancelled?” or “How are we going to finance the International WILPF Program?”(Not meaning the last example is a problem but a challenge)

The process of Discovery invites: Another challenge? How fascinating!”

Errors can be regarded as splendid opportunities for learning. We are at our most energized as we stand ready to act on the edge of our personal unknowns. But that means we are going to make some mistakes. To tap the benefits of initiative we really need to play down our judgement and criticism. Of course, we need to acknowledge errors and go through a correcting process. But, when we move to discovery mode, we are not overly cautious about making mistakes and we don’t make other people too cautious to act resourcefully by being over critical. When an organisation encourages the willingness to risk in its members, it gets an alive and motivated movement.

And a not –so- famous but should be maxim: “If a thing’s worth doing it’s worth doing badly!” is an invitation to experiment and risk.

Life is not about winning and losing it’s about learning. When you fall down you pick yourself up and note where the pot -hole was so you can walk around it next time. A person who has gone “too far” knows just how far they can go. No “winners and losers”, just “winners and learners.”
 That’s the essence.

Ah, conflict

What an opportunity!

top

Empathy

Empathy is often characterized as the ability to put oneself in another person’s shoes. It means we have some understanding of another’s situation, feelings, motives and beliefs.”
This means being an active listener. There are three specific listening activities relevant to different situations – 1. Information, 2. Affirmation and 3. Inflammation

1. INFORMATION – getting a clear picture

AIM OF SPEAKER: to get across what is wanted so there is no confusion.

TASK OF LISTENER: to get details, to check out and confirm what the speaker is saying and to get a clear understanding on anything relevant they might be forgetting to say.
When you move into active listening mode to get information you are trying to find out about needs, instructions and perhaps background information.

• ASK QUESTIONS – find out about needs, instructions, context timing, etc
• CHECK BACK – to be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details
• SUMMERISE – to make sure you  both agree on the facts

As listener you are trying to get your speaker to say something like: “Yes, that’s what I want” so you are both clear.

• Enquire about their need in the situation
• Don’t jump straight into solutions. Collect information. Find out how it is on the other side first.

• Enquire about their concerns, anxieties or difficulties
• Find out their views of the needs and concerns of other relevant people affecting the situation.
• Ask general questions that encourage them to open up e.g. How do you see it all?
• Ask specific questions that will give you significant pieces of information e.g. “How much does it cost?”
• Explore hidden premises on which they build their thinking.

If they say “I can’t” you might ask “What happens if you do?”
If they say “They always…” you might ask “Are there any circumstances in which they don’t?”
It they say “It’s too many, or too much” or “Too little or too few” you might ask “compared to what?”

2. AFFIRMATION – affirming, acknowledging, exploring the problem.

AIM OF SPEAKER: to talk about the problem

TASK OF LISTENER: to help the speaker to really hear what the speaker is saying and for the speaker to hear that you acknowledge their feelings.

Here you are recognizing that the other person would be helped by you taking time to hear their problem.

• LISTEN – attentively to the speaker
• REFLECT BACK – to the speaker their feelings, and perhaps the content of the problem with a single statement of acknowledgement periodically.
• EXPLORE – If time permits, assist the speaker in finding greater clarity and understanding for themselves. You might take several interchanges reflecting back the speaker’s feelings over a longer period of time, so that you both understand the difficulty in more depth. To get a “Yes, that’s what I feel” so they explore what they are saying and they know they’ve been understood.

Using active listening when offering advice won’t really help. The speaker would be best served by finding greater clarity and understanding of the problem for themselves. Active listening builds relationships.

• Don’t ignore or deny their feelings.
• Read the non-verbal as well as the verbal communication to assess their feelings.
• Check back with them about their feelings as well as the content even though they may only be telling you about the content.
• If you are not sure how they feel, ask them e.g. “How do you feel about that?’ “How did that affect you?”
• Reflect back to them what you hear them to be saying so they know you understand.
• If you get it wrong, ask an open question and try again e.g. “How do you see the situation?”

When time permits: direct the conversation back to the point if the person drifts to a less significant topic because they feel you don’t understand.
Allow some silences to grow in the conversation if appropriate. Thoughtful silence can be fertile ground.
Remember that your active listening is a method of helping the other person focus below the words to the unresolved issues.
Notice sighs and body shifts. They’ll often indicate some insight or acceptance. Pause before asking something like “How does it seem to you now?”

3. INFLAMMATION- responding to a complaint or attack on you

AIM OF SPEAKER: To tell them that you are the problem

TASK OF LISTENER; To let the speaker know that you have taken in what they are saying and to defuse the strong emotion.

When someone is attacking you verbally, moving into listening mode is usually the most useful response you can make. When there is conflict  it is very common to blame the other person. It is difficult to be objective when the emotional level is high. Active listening is an effective tool to reduce the emotionality of a situation. Every time you correctly label an emotion the other person is feeling, the intensity of it dissipates. The speaker starts to feel heard and understood. Once the emotional level of the conflict has been reduced, reasoning abilities for both of you can function more effectively. When someone is telling you they are unhappy with you, criticizing you, complaining about you, or just getting it of their chest:

• DON’T DEFEND yourself at this point. It will inflame them further.
• DEAL FIRST WITH THEIR EMOTION – People shout because they don’t think they are being heard. Make sure they know they are – that you are hearing how angry and upset they are. Label accurately the emotions/feelings as you perceive them.
• ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR SIDE – this does not mean you agree with them, only that you are registering their viewpoint e.g. “I can see, if you think that was my attitude, why you are so angry”, “I can see why the problem makes you so upset”.

Draw them out further. Explore gently with them if there is more behind the emotion.
Once the heat is out of the conversation, you might say how it is for you without denying how it is for them.
Ask what could be dome now to make it OK again. If they heat up again, go straight back to active listening.
Move towards options for change or solution. Ask what they really want, or what they want now.
The listener is working towards the speaker saying something like: “Yes that’s what I said” so that the speaker knows the listener has taken in their point.

For them to change first I must change

• One of the first things I might need to change is my approach
• Don’t rise to the bait and retaliate
• Don’t start justifying
• Don’t act defensive
• Go into active listening until they have calmed down
• Use phrases like “It’s making you really mad”, “I can see how upset you are”, “You feel like you have reached your limit”, “Have I got it right?”, “So when I do… you get really frustrated with me.”

Keep on reflecting back as accurately as you can until they come down from the high emotion. If you are doing it right, they will explain everything in some detail, but as the interchange continues the heat should be going out of the conversation.

top

Appropriate Assertiveness (1)

As discussed in the previous summary “Empathy” is mainly about hearing another person. The skill of “Appropriate Assertiveness” is about being heard without arousing the defences of the other person. The secret of success is saying how it is for you rather than what they should or shouldn’t do. “The way I see it…” attached to your assertive statement helps. A skilled “I” statement goes even further.

Use an “I” statement when you need to let the other person know you are feeling strongly about the issue. Others often underestimate how hurt or angry or put out you are, so it’s useful to say exactly what’s going on for you – making the situation appear neither better nor worse i.e. your “I” statement should be “clear”.

What your “I” statement isn’t

Your “I” statement is not about being polite. It’s not to do with “soft” or “nice”, nor should it be rude. It’s about being clear.

It’s a conversation opener, not the resolution. It’s the opener to improving rather than deteriorating relationships. If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you have an unrealistic expectation.

What you can expect is that an appropriate “I” statement made with good intent

• Is highly unlikely to do any harm
• Is a step in the right direction
• Is sure to change the current situation in some way
• can/will open up to possibilities you may not yet see.

Sometimes the situation may not look any different yet after a clean, clear “I” statement it often feels different, and that on its own can change things.

Here is and example:
Nan was upset when she heard that her adult son, Tommy, had visited town and not bothered to call or see her. They seemed to be growing further apart, and she had been brooding over this. She did not want to appear to nag him, or say anything to make things worse. She did want to see him when he was in town.
When next they spoke, instead of putting on her “pretending not to be hurt” voice, she prepared herself for the conversation with a well rehearsed “I” statement. She got it “clear” and “clean.” She was very sure she wanted a conversation that would be different from all those times she hinted at the problem without really saying it.
“When I miss out on seeing you I feel hurt and what I’d like is to have contact with you when you are in town.”
She said it. Tommy immediately reacted “You are always going on at me with the same old thing.”
But Nan had a clear intention. “No,” she said. This time I said something different. I was simply telling you how I feel.”
For the first time on this issue, he really heard her. There was a moment’s silence. Then instead of getting defensive (his usual pattern) he said “Well, actually I’ve tried to phone a few times. You weren’t home.” She acknowledged that was so. She felt much better and then went on to have the best conversation in ages.

The next time someone shouts at you and you don’t like it, resist the temptation to withdraw rapidly (maybe slamming the door on the way out). Resist the temptation to shout back to stop the onslaught, and deal with your own rising anger.

This is the time for APPROPRIATE ASSERTIVENESS. Take a deep breath. Stay centered, feet firmly planted on the ground, and get your mind into “I” statement gear. Start mixing the three ingredient recipe:

• When….. I hear a voice raised at me
• I feel …….humiliated
• And what I’d like is that I…..can debate an issue with you without ending up feeling hurt.

The best “I” statement is free of expectations. It is delivering a clean, clear statement of how it is from your side and how you would like it to be.

Appropriate Assertiveness (2)

COMPARING NON-ASSERTIVE, AGGRESSIVE AND ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES

Non Assertive behaviour – Flight

Not expressing your own feelings, need, ideas; ignoring your own rights; allowing others to infringe on them.

• Inhibited and self denying.
• Results in anxiety, disappointment, anger and resentment.

Payoff:    Avoids unpleasant situations, but
Problem: Needs not met; anger builds up; feelings arise of low self worth.

Aggressive Behaviour – Fight

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others; standing up for your rights but ignoring the rights of others; trying to dominate, even humiliate others.

• Hostile and self defeating
• Results in anger, self-righteousness, possible guilt later.

Payoff:  Way of venting anger and achieving goals in the short run.

Problem:  distancing of self from others; feelings of frustration, bitterness and isolation.

Assertive Behaviour – Flow

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas and standing up for your legitimate rights in ways that do not violate the rights of others.

• Expressing and self enhancing
• Results in confidence, self esteem.

Payoff: Achievement of goals and, even if this does not occur, there are feelings of self- worth which stem from being straightforward. Improvement in self confidence leading to freer, more honest relationship with others.

top

Managing Emotions

Part 1 – Handling yourself

• 5 Questions  = 5 Goals
• Don’t indulge
• Don’t deny
• Create richer relationships

Five questions:

When angry or hurt:

Why am I feeling so angry/hurt/frightened?

What do I want to change?

What do I need to let go of this feeling?

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?

What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (EG they don’t like me)

Five goals:

Aim to avoid the desire to punish or blame. Action?

Aim to communicate your feelings appropriately. Action?

Aim to improve the relationship and increase communication. Action?

Aim to avoid repeating the same situation. Action?

If communication is not appropriate, what other action can I take?

Part 2 - Handling others

People’s behaviour occurs for a purpose. They are looking for a way to belong, feel significant and self protect. When people perceive a threat for their self-esteem, a downward spiral can begin. People can be led into obstructive behaviours in the faulty belief that this will gain them a place of belonging and significance. How we respond to their difficult behaviours can determine how entrenched these become.

The secret is to break out of the spiral by supporting their needs without supporting their destructive faulty beliefs, and alienating patterns of reaction.          

top

Willingness to Resolve

CONFLICT RESOLUTION - 7 –WILLINGNESS TO RESOLVE

Understanding the role resentment plays in preventing successful negotiation.

Worth thinking about:

Self –righteousness
…is when you speak for everybody
Integrity
…is when you speak for yourself – that is how you feel about the situation

PROJECTION AND SHADOW

Does the situation inform or inflame?

The Opportunity

The more one inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve.

Projection

Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behaviour of others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and instead see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with us and we feel hurt. We don’t realise that we are angry with X and would like to hurt X. It’s very similar to film projection. The movie going on in our heads is projected out onto the people around us. Each of us builds, in this way a highly personalized world. Greater self-awareness is necessary if we are to see reality.

Persona and Shadow.

Psychologist, Carl Yung, used the word “Persona” to describe the conscious aspects of personality, good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the unknown side of who we are “shadow”.

Persona: My self image. Things       Shadow: Potential I have not unfolded. Aspects of
I accept are true about myself. My     myself I’m not ready to know about. My
conscious desires, wants, feelings    unconscious wants and dislikes. Emotional
intentions and beliefs.                        responses that are too painful to fully
                                                           experience. Abilities/talents I’m not ready to accept
                                                           or express.
Shadow Hugging and Boxing

Extreme attachment or rejection are both signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny in ourselves we are shadow hugging. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.

The Hook – the behaviour in the other person that is inflaming me, is in itself a neutral
                    event. My projection gets caught on this hook.
The Symptom – my emotional reaction (usually variations on anger or hurt).
The Projection – The part of my shadow that is causing my strong reaction.

Acknowledgement

To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:

• Suppressed needs e.g. failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt when a friend postpones time we’d planned together.
• Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become really wild when people don’t do what they promised.
• Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don’t accept my own anger, I don’t accept it in others

top

---

Mapping the Conflict

We need to get a clear picture of the situation:

Have you ever had a problem and felt like this?

• I’m confused I can’t workout what’s really going on.
• I’m stuck. There seems no way out of the problem.
• There are too many factors involved. Where do I start?
• Something else is going on, but I don’t know what it is.
• The situation is hopeless – it’s a personality clash.

The mapping process helps with understanding the underlying emotional climate in which we are dealing with the conflict.

CREATING A MAP:

Step 1. What is the issue?
Label the issue in broad terms using unemotional language. There is no need yet to focus on or analyse the nature of the problem.

Step 2. Who is involved?
Decide who the major parties are – you might list each individual, or whole teams or groups as long as the people share need on the issue.

Step 3. What do they need? What do they Fear?
For each major party you then list the significant needs and fears that are relevant to the issue. You clarify the motivations behind the issue. Needs could mean wants, values, interests of the thing you care about. To clarify simply ask: Around The issue … what are the major needs that are not being met? You might be asking it of yourself, of another person, or about another person or party.

Your answer to the problem is to do … What needs of yours will be met?
This reply is likely to reveal their underlying needs.

In the conflict Resolution manual and book this is a fairly complicated part. At the risk of violating copyright I will give this small case study as an example:

Danielle
“I’d become the stepmother to a ten year old boy and was keen to be a good mother to him. I thought he should take a shower each night and he didn’t want to. We were clashing over it frequently and it was interfering with our new relationship. So I started to mentally map the problem: ‘Showering every evening …  whose need is this?’ I asked myself. I realised very quickly it was my need, not his. So I talked to him about it, asking him what his needs were. He said his was not to be asked to shower every day! I asked him how often he thought he needed to shower. He reckoned he only needed a shower when he was dirty – which was every few days and always after soccer. I asked him when he thought he would need to shower more often and he immediately said – ‘Soon as I start to have BO.’ So we agreed that when that happened he would shower every day!
When the time came a few years later he willingly started to shower daily … and not long after that getting him out of the shower became the new challenge!

_______________________________________________________________________

MapPing the conflict

Needs:  What motives are at the bottom?
                  of the problem and the “solution”?
   Fears:   What worries, anxieties, concerns
       Are influencing behaviour?

WHO:                                                                                                                WHO:

         NEEDS:                                                                                        NEEDS:
    
                   FEARS:                                                                      FEARS:

 

 

WHO:

NEEDS:

FEARS:                                                   THE
                                                            PROBLEM
                                                            CONFLICT
                                                             OR ISSUE

 

WHO:                                                                                             WHO:

NEEDS:                                                                                                      NEEDS:

FEARS:                                     WHO:                                                                 FEARS:

                                          NEEDS:

                                 FEARS: 
________________________________________________________________________

COMMON GROUND: Pay special attention to areas of anticipated common ground
                                       or agreement. What might these be?

top

---

Development of Options

This follows on from mapping the options in No 8.and gives the keys to develop solutions that build in wins for everybody. Preferably do this together.

What are the range of options? Use the following to generate ideas.

Clarifying tools –

• Chunking – breaking the problem into smaller parts.
• Researching – more information; extent of resources; constraints
• Goal setting – what is the outcome we want?

Generating tools -

• The obvious solution – to which all parties say yes
• Brainstorming – no censoring, no justifying, no debating
• Consensus – build a solution together
• Lateral thinking – have we been practical, creative?

Negotiating tools

Maintain current arrangements – with trade-offs or sweeteners.

• Currencies – what is it easy for me to give and valuable for you to receive?
• Establishing alternatives – what will happen if we can’t agree
• Consequence confrontation – what I will do if we don’t agree.

Selection

Consider:

• Is it built on a win/win approach?
• Does it meet many needs of all parties?
• Is it feasible?
• Is it fair?
• Does it solve the problem?
• Can we settle on an option or do we need to trial several?

I acknowledge the Conflict Resolution Network

top

---

Introduction to Negotiation

Five basic principles

• Be hard on the problem
• Focus on needs
• Emphasise common ground
• Be inventive about options
• Make clear agreements

Where possible prepare in advance. Consider what your needs are and what the other persons are. Consider outcomes that would address more of what you both want. Commit yourself to a win/win approach, even if tactics used by the other person seem unfair. Be clear that your task will be to steer the negotiation in a positive direction. To do so you may need to do some of the following:

Reframe

Ask a question. (e.g.” If we succeed in solving this problem, what difference would you notice?”)  Request checking of understanding. (Please tell me what you heard me/them say.”) Request something she/he said to be stated more positively, or as an “I” statement. Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.

Respond not react

• Manage your emotions.
• Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass.
• Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated (e.g. by identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue.)

Re-focus on the issue

Maintain the relationship, and try to resolve the issue. (e.g. “What’s fair for both of us?” Summarise how far you’ve got. Review common ground and agreement so far. Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents. Divide the issue into parts. Address a less difficult aspect when stuck. Invite trading (“If you will, then I will”) Explore best and worst alternatives to negotiating an acceptable agreement between you.

Identify Unfair Tactics

Name the behaviour as a tactic. Address the motive for using the tactic. Change the physical circumstances. Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements etc. Go into smaller groups. Meet privately. Call for a meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps “to give an opportunity for reflection”.

I acknowledge the Conflict Resolution Network

top

---

Introduction to mediation

Attitudes for mediators

These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to advise in a conflict which is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the phone. It may be an informal chat with both conflicting people. It may be a formally organised mediation session.

• Be objective- validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only one party is present.
• Be supportive – use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where people will feel safe to open up.
• No judging – actively discourage judgments as to who was right and who was wrong. Don’t ask “Why did you?” Ask “What happened?” and “How did you feel?”
• Steer process, not content – use astute questioning, encouraging suggestion from participants. Resist advising. If your suggestions are really needed, offer as options not directives.
• Win/win – work towards win for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-solving partners.

Mediation Methods

Use the simple, yet effective rules from the ‘Fighting Fair’ poster.

• Define your mediator role as there to support both people “Winning”
• Get agreement from both people about a basic willingness to fix the problem
• Let each person say what the problem is for them. Check back that the other person has actually understood them.
• Guide the conversation towards a joint problem approach and away from personal attack.
• Encourage them to look for answers where everybody gets what they need.
• Redirect “Fouls” (Name Calling, Put Downs, Sneering, Blaming, Threats, Bringing up the Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, or Getting Even). Where possible you reframe the negative statement into a neutral description of a legitimate present time concern.

Steps in Mediation

Open	Introduction and agreements warm up, explanations, agenda if known.
	1 Overview: What is the matter? Each person to express their view of the conflict, the issues and their feelings.
Establish	2 Details: What is involved? More details. Map needs and concerns.
	Clarify misperceptions. Identify other relevant issues. Mirroring if needed.
	1 Where are they now? Identify areas of agreement. Encourage willingness to move forward. Caucus if needed
Move	2  Negotiation: Focus on future action. How would they like it to be? What would that take?
	Develop options. Trading – build wins for everyone
Close	Completion: Contracting. Plans for the future, including appointment time to review agreement.
	Closing statements.

top

---

Broadening Perspectives

Respect and Value Differences

Just as we are unique and special, so are other people. We all have distinctive viewpoints that may be equally valid from where we stand. Each person’s viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution

Recognise a long term timeframe

Consider how the problem or the relationship will look over a substantial period of time. The longer timeframe can help us be more realistic about the size of the problem we presently face.

Assume a global perspective

If we believe that the actions of one individual are interconnected with every other individual, then we have a sense of how our actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others. We can look at the overall system, which may be the family, the organisation or the society. Consider what needs this larger unit has in order to function effectively.

Deal with resistance to the broader perspective

Taking up a broader view can be scary. It may make us less certain of the rightness of our own case. We may feel that we will lose all conviction to fight for what we need. We may have to give up the security we got from the simple way we previously saw the problem. We may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. Many fears of taking the broader perspective prove ungrounded once we analyze them carefully,

Open to the idea of changing and risk taking

By taking a broader perspective you may be confronted with the enormity of the difficulties. Identify what you can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the dynamics and new possibilities can open up.

top

---